9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
