I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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