we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
