I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
