This beer is not sobering me up at all
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
