he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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