using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
