my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
