Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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