I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
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$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
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Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Still dying that you shit outside
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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