Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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