You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I have tasted many bathrooms
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.