I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
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Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
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Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.