It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
