drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
