I wish I could punch you in the face.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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