I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.