I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
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My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
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MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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