Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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