Apparently you make a good broom.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She told me I should be a condom model.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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