If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
