ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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