the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
