I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Randomize
