I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
