did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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