just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
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I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
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I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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