There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
