I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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