literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
