New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize