I want to stick my p in your. b.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
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I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
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Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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