I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
