my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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