Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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