dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
