The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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