One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
