Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize