my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
