my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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