She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
