Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
