Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
