so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
