I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.