Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
