i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
