Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
