My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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