My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
