oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
