ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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