My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
