well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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