how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
