Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
This toilet bowl is my home.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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