Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
