I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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