I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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