I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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